You Suck! Warm Up for Terror Season, it’s Gonna Be a Blast!

Hello you beautiful people, how have your life’s been? Who am I kidding I don’t care, I’ve used up all my empathy playing profile pic bingo trying to guess which flag colors would go better with my expression of connection towards the next terror victims around the globe.

Well at least with those close enough that I care about them at least. Or rather, close enough that I could feel threatened. To be quite honest, I’ve never changed my profile picture anywhere, why would I. But you surely have, have you? You are one of those guys am I right? Well congratulations you selectively empathy juggling human being, you suck!

Terror Selfie

Am I doing this right? BTW my condolences.

You suck, in fact, for many reasons that I won’t address today, but mainly because you are living in an unreflected state of fear which you can’t snap out of. And it’s intensified whenever there’s a car shooting across the sidewalk in a country near you because OMG it could’ve been you. Well, Major Hypocrite, you are of course just expressing your condolences and the feeling of unity with the victims and their families, am I right?

Well then let me ask you this: when was the last time you sprayed the Afghan flag across your profile pic? When was the last time you had white, black and yellow plastered on your images because people died in Afghanistan? Probably never because the Afghan flag is actually black, red and green (and a tiny bit of white to be fair), which you probably didn’t even knew because you don’t care about Afghanistan. I mean you don’t tint your pics blue because we humans terrorize the oceans and strangle cute little dolphins to death so that you can bite into your freshly caught tuna sandwich from the comfort of your home.

And those dolphins are way more relatable than Afghans. Afghans are hardly even cute or jump through hoops on mid-60s TV-shows that were so cringeworthy the animal killed himself right after. (BTW if you agree with this statement you are mildly racist. But you suck anyway so what’s one more strike gonna do anyway?)

I mean look at that poor dolphin. Look at that decrepit little smile.

If you look closely you can actually see him mimic “kill me” right at the end.

When was the last time you mourned the victims of the Boko Haram? Not it’s not what you think it is, that one’s called halal. And while on that topic of halal, you have to admit that pigs are indeed gross breathing shit covered creatures. It’s not a ban; it’s a service announcement.

Pig

What a dirty little pig

But coming back to our little terror group of African douchebags. While you were busy overlapping a French flag with your profile pictures back in 2015, our little Bokos had already killed well over 4,500 people that year alone. But yeah well they were far enough away not to bother you I guess.

Now that you know what a hypocrite you’ve been you’ll probably message the one black person you know (look at you, what open minded person you are) to ask him or her (#feminism) about what happened. They’re probably related to someone involved in the terror attacks. They all are, right?

Before you turn this thing around on me, just to clarify, every lost life is tragic. How tragic? Exactly as tragic as the next, terror or not. I mean you are the ones screaming equality at everything that moves nowadays, but then you go ahead and decide that those black dudes getting killed on that poor little continent are not worth your valuable time and profile space. Fuck you!

Selfie

Fun Fact: This is not part of the mourning process

You can mourn your family and friends and maybe even your neighbor, even though he never returned the lawnmower he borrowed last summer, but don’t get involved in those fake little empathy games. Your empathy is nothing more than a Geiger counter spiking with the amount of fear you have of being next terror victim. Well, tough news, you might need a real Geiger counter soon, that IS something you should be worried about.

About Andreas Salmen

Born and raised in Germany, learned a job in IT and Business and ultimately decided that this wasn't exactly where my life was going to end. Left everything behind to become a writing backpacker instead. The world's crumbling away anyway so why not write about it and get a few good Instagram pics on the way, am I right?

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