Opinion, World, Editor's Choice

You Suck! Dolphins + Plastic = Evolution

Welcome back to our beautiful circle jerk of insults, this time everybody gets a go, cause seriously, who am I to exclude myself from these mean hearted shenanigans. In the end, we all are at fault really for countless different reasons. We all still use those bloody plastic bags for example.

We walk through our lives throwing toxic bags around because we never really got used to the concept of hands and their use apart from rubbing our genitals every once in a while. And we are a bunch of forgetful morons too! So when the odd 17 year old at check out offers to pack your groceries for 5p a piece, who’s gonna deny him that? He’s never worked in his life and, judging by his looks, he never will so let him have this one at least. You only have a pile of approximately 150 bags at home, not counting the 200 bag role of garbage bags, but who remembers that when you leave the house? There are plenty more to be had at the store right? And they can be great fun to be fair.

Did you know that a single plastic bag is sufficient to kill at least one dolphin? How many bags have you thrown away in your lifetime? Yeah, you kinda like killed a couple of hundred dolphins already by the looks of it. And please don’t try to find any errors or gaps in this equation, only guilty people try to find cheap excuses to well-established facts (#FakeNews #DonaldWouldBeProud)!

Water Pollution

A fun game for the whole family: Spot the choking Dolphin #SundayFunday

It’s fascinating you see, dolphins swallowing those fancy colored wiggly things to then slowly die in agony. It’s really a sight to behold. I mean how else are they ever gonna evolve really. They wouldn’t have enemies if it weren’t for our sweet plastic death traps floating on the seven seas. Nobody in the history of this planet did ever evolve without being threatened. That’s why we humans have the fun tradition of threatening ourselves, and we all know how exciting and boundary pushing that is.

Clever or stupid, the jury is still out #PlasticEvolution

And don’t pull the argument that all these endangered species are dying because of us, they were just holding us back, and you know it! Sometimes you just have to leave the odd one behind in order to step forward. If they can’t adapt to a small inanimate object what good are they really? Well, I suppose we could just reuse plastic bags or get one made out of paper or fucking organic flax seeds raised by happy inbred farmers down in North Dakota. Just because their family tree is shaped like a circle doesn’t mean I have to recycle shit.

I’m sorry, I kinda lost it there a minute. To come back to the point of all this, we all really are horrible people, using, carrying, yeah even sucking, on this toxic waste all our lives, until one day – SURPRISE – brain cancer. And don’t say you didn’t see this coming. I mean cute little dolphins choking to death is all fun and games but a decently sized tumor in your brain cells, that’s the jackpot!

Fancy Crab

Cancer in its natural habitat #IKnowMyMedicine

Unfortunately, we don’t realize that until we undergo the first chemo and our immune system is shutting down for good. Well, I guess you can’t complain then, can you? You kinda earned it. Actually, you fought very hard for the right to become a fucking regular in a hospital bed so kudos, keep on going, you are on the right track. Maybe start hyperventilating into plastic bags now and then, that might help speed up the process of you finally vanishing off the earth so the rest of us can get the fuck on.

I actually promised myself to not let this part end on a sad note for once, so you know what? Next time you see your kids how about a little crafting project? It turns out you can make beautiful little-braided bracelets out of plastic bags if you try hard enough. I mean it might harm or kill your little ones in the progress but we’ll all die at one point in time anyway, after day one you’re just stretching it out really. Yeah, I suppose that worked, until then, don’t sniff on too many plastic bags. Or glue. Or both.

About Andreas Salmen

Born and raised in Germany, learned a job in IT and Business and ultimately decided that this wasn't exactly where my life was going to end. Left everything behind to become a writing backpacker instead. The world's crumbling away anyway so why not write about it and get a few good Instagram pics on the way, am I right?

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