Opinion, Politics, World

How to Become a Dictator 101

First, you need a sick haircut. It’s obligatory, written in the ‘Dictator’s Handbook’ actually. A floppy hairpiece or a toupee will do. Go nuts; you need to stand out.

Step 1: Find Yourself A Country

Then you need to find a troubled country, with an unstable economy. You should prefer the ones that are getting out of war or a deep economic crisis. Now, you have to appear like you are a messiah that will magically solve all the problems; but don’t be stupid about it. Don’t address the real issues that are tarnishing the people, rather create new, imaginary ones. This will help you get rid of any responsibilities you or the country has for its downfall.

If you can’t think of anything creative to blame for your incompetence, we got you covered. You can use our premade format! Simply conflate national pride with xenophobia and keep reminding the people how awesome they were back then, how miserable they are now and how awesome and wealthy you will make them. Pick an easy target and arbitrary assign them the role of ‘the enemy.’ Blame everything on them, and you got profit, my fellow dictator.

This is getting serious. By now, you should already have some traction and some blind followers. It’s time to work on your public speaking. Be as loud as possible and move your hands uncontrollably. Your actual speech should read like an ad: Short, catchy phrases that you repeat over and over again. Oh, don’t forget to mention ‘the enemy’ at least two times every one minute and how the absence of them will make the country great.

Step 2: Manage The Media (#FakeNews)

OK, this is a crucial step to become a world class dictator. You need to avoid criticism at ALL costs. People should be afraid even to ask you questions, and when they do, you should dismiss them and call them ‘propaganda from the opposition.’ If they insist, you can declare the reporters enemy of the state (you don’t want to say it outright, but you should imply they work for ‘the enemy’). Don’t worry, when you are in power, you won’t be bothered, and you could easily make them ‘disappear.’

Keep it up; you are almost there. It’s time to write down all your crazy ideas and ideologies. Write your manifesto or adopt the ideas from a pre-existing one (you can find a list on www.dictatorsforworlddomination.gov. If you want us to put your book on the list, you only need to hit the subscribe button and present your proof of genocide). Make everyone read it and follow it blindly. If you are lucky, you will have generations of people reading it after you die.

Step 3: Let’s Get This Dictator Party Started!

The last step is to get elected. You can skip this step if you have enough blind followers to create an army and immediately go to the end point, start harassing ‘the enemy’ and take control of the country’s wealth.

You’ve made it! It’s time to celebrate! Build a bunch of statues of you, stick your name on a bunch of buildings and streets and make everyone worship you and have parades in honor of you (we love our parades, don’t we?).

Keep in mind, if you don’t succeed on your first try you can try again and again. You need to have certain traits though, like madness, narcissism, and psychopathy, so be patient with developing them.

Don’t forget that you can come to our annual dictatorship summit or to a meeting near you, to meet and mingle with other like-minded individuals! Just be careful and don’t reveal any information to the media…

There you have it. A comprehensive guide to becoming a modern dictator!

‘We can see when a dictator rings our bell, but we can never get rid of him when he is at our doorstep.’

(Disclaimer: We are not responsible for mass uproar, protests, revolution and/or death.)

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