Are you bored being a dictator? How about becoming an Internet Troll instead?
You’d imagine that being an internet troll is an easy job. Ha! Don’t fool yourself. It requires discipline, pain, and sacrifices. Prepare yourself for endless hours on your PC, typing away angry comments, that become perpetually longer and longer. All nighter and CWC (Compulsive Wikipedia Citing) are some of the things you have to get used to.
Now, before we proceed, we need to identify what kind of internet troll you want to be. The ‘sarcastic’, the ‘know-it-all’, the ‘memer’, the ‘I have too much free time so I can argue about the color blue all day’ etc…
Remember, it’s a calling. The path chooses you and not the other way around. You will feel it after your first angry comment on YouTube, and you’ll know for sure after you’ve been arguing for weeks about a subject you learned in five minutes. Let’s start!
If you’re serious about this, you’ll have to spend at least five hours a day online. You don’t want anyone to have the last word, do you? It’s mandatory to create anonymous accounts on Reddit, 9gag, Twitter, and YouTube. These are your battle grounds. You can, of course, expand to blogs and online newspapers, when you’ve got some experience under your belt.
It’s time for your first comment. To be a successful internet troll, you need to be able to lure people in. Write an obviously sarcastic reply and wait. You should have at least 12 different tabs open, waiting for a victim. When a poor guy responds, it’s your time to shine, baby!
Begin arguing. Use ad hominem, unconstructive criticism, strawman fallacy, whining and spamming. You should also need to make clear to him (or her) that you are THE expert (No one needs to know you went to www.iamwrite.com and picked up your opinion in less than a second). Whatever you do, it’s crucial not to have a constructive dialogue, where you learn from each other and find the middle ground. You are an internet troll, and you thirst for e-blood.
Now you aim for the creator/writer. Leave your honed comment and wait. If he is polite… it doesn’t matter. Don’t get soft on me! What do you mean he works hard and produces value? You are not a reasonable person, remember that. Use every insult and passive-aggressive manner you possess. If he dares to end the conversation abruptly, you just start cursing him and his loved ones.
Now two things may happen: Either he ignores you, and in that case, you lose, or he blocks/bans you, and you win! The more bans and blocks you have, the more successful you are deemed by your peers (collect five permanent bans, and you get a free bridge tour).
Of course, after you get banned for saying horrible things, you go ahead and start whining about how much people can’t handle criticism. (Note: If someone points out the hypocrisy, you ban/block them!)
Congratulations you are an Internet Troll!
Enjoy the fruits of your labor! Take a step back and observe the unnecessary chaos you’ve created. Be proud for being provocative. There are many internet trolls out there. Many aspiring internet trolls. Many will fail, some will succeed, but very few will see their anonymous name and avatar in the ‘Halls of Trolling’.
Go! Go out there now. Find reasonable and logical people. Make them angry! Help them join the dark side!